When I first started this blog in 2009, this was my platform to say whatever I wanted to say-- no matter what it cost. Over the past 4 years, I've learned, even blogs don't work like that. There are plenty of things I want to write about or say but there is the fear that I may offend someone. I titled the blog 'I Am Who I Am' because I thought I was someone who was ok saying what I wanted and thought 'I know who I am' (Imagine me rolling my neck as I say that).
But since the day my Granny died, I've really been questioning who I am because literally, nothing has been the same. I feel like I question everything these days. Am I a good wife? What did I do to be diagnosed with Myasthenia? Why did the disease attack my face? Am I a good mother? Do I pray hard enough? Have I spoken a good word into people? I've struggled with my faith, understanding God-- figuring out, Who Am I?
I spent three years in a Masters program, interning and loving on high school students and then realized-- I do not want to sit behind a computer and administer tests. I think I've figured out what I want to do as a career but do I really want to go back to school? Who Am I?
I work with a great group of people but is this my calling? Who Am I? Am I just Jeremy's wife and Jocelyn & Jaelle's mother? Who Am I?
Turning 30 was and is such a big deal to me-- because I feel like I should know who I am. And as someone who walks around each day, fighting to say a sentence without a Myasthenia flare-up I am struggling with understanding who am I?
I know longer want to just say (or type) anything-- I want to know who I am.
Searching,
~Mrs. G
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Mya.. what??
When I had Jocey, I couldn't lift my hands over my head. I couldn't get plates from the cabinet or even wash my hair in the shower. When I would give Jocey to Jeremy, I had to cradle her.. anything over 5 lbs was too heavy for me.
When we got pregnant with Jaelle, I continued to work out so that I could lift my arms thinking they would be strong so I could lift Jaelle up and reach the top shelves of our cabinets.
Right after my mom arrived in Durham, I began speaking as if I was congested, so we thought I had a sinus infection. But then-- my speech became slurred and I was having trouble swallowing food and drink. We saw a Physician Assistant, who prescribed an Antibiotic..that didn't work. We continued seeing Dr after Dr until my Soror, who is a Nurse Practitioner, examined me and told me that something neurological was wrong. We saw a neurologist and referred us to a team of Neuro-Musclar doctors who got it right. They diagnosed me with Myasthenia Gravis (MG)-- a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disorder that is characterized by fluctuating weakness of the voluntary muscle groups. A lot of medical jargon, right?
When we got pregnant with Jaelle, I continued to work out so that I could lift my arms thinking they would be strong so I could lift Jaelle up and reach the top shelves of our cabinets.
Yeah-- that didn't matter.
Right after my mom arrived in Durham, I began speaking as if I was congested, so we thought I had a sinus infection. But then-- my speech became slurred and I was having trouble swallowing food and drink. We saw a Physician Assistant, who prescribed an Antibiotic..that didn't work. We continued seeing Dr after Dr until my Soror, who is a Nurse Practitioner, examined me and told me that something neurological was wrong. We saw a neurologist and referred us to a team of Neuro-Musclar doctors who got it right. They diagnosed me with Myasthenia Gravis (MG)-- a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disorder that is characterized by fluctuating weakness of the voluntary muscle groups. A lot of medical jargon, right?
My nerves and muscles stop talking. They don't communicate.
My nerves and muscles sometimes are too tired to function.
My nerves and muscles sometimes are too tired to function.
My doctors have treated me temporally with PlasmaPheresis- a treatment where blood and cells are separated and replaced to boost my immune system. These treatments are 2.5 hours and can be draining. But, like I said, this is temporary. My doctors, Dr. Massey (love her!!) and Dr. Guidon suggested two courses of long-term care (steroids or a thymectomy). After speaking with a Thoracic Surgeon, Jeremy and I decided we will have the thymectomy which removes the thymus gland from my body. I could go on and explain all of this but the post would get too long-- so visit http://www.myasthenia.org/ to learn about the disease, the foundation, etc. The procedure will be done Tuesday, March 12 at Duke. Jeremy will update via text and fb.. in the meantime, pray for the doctors and their skilled hands, my stay at the hospital, Jeremy and our girls, who have been so amazing and patient during this process and for my mother-- who is feeling the burden of being away from her only child during this time.
Thank you for praying for me and our family during this season. While I feel pretty good most days, other days and conversations can be a little difficult. Keep us lifted folks-- we know God is a healer and can make me whole completely!
Stronger,
~Mrs, G
Thank you for praying for me and our family during this season. While I feel pretty good most days, other days and conversations can be a little difficult. Keep us lifted folks-- we know God is a healer and can make me whole completely!
Stronger,
~Mrs, G
Friday, February 15, 2013
Happy Birthday to Me!
Today-- the Lord has blessed me to be on this earth for 30 great years! Like the song says, I've had some good days, I've had some bad days-- I won't complain!! :)
Last year, I wanted to create a list of things to do before this new decade. Well, I've updated the list below:
Last year, I wanted to create a list of things to do before this new decade. Well, I've updated the list below:
- Read 1 book a month (Nope-- I failed, lol)
- Go Para-sailing or zip lining (Baby got in the way of this :)
- Buy a pair of shoes each season (too much?) (Yes!! After Jaelle was born I embarked on two pairs of flats, a pair of boots and a pair of hawt pumps)
- Lose another 10-15 pounds (Yes-- I've met and exceeded my weight loss goal-- I'm so happy!!)
- Go to a concert or comedy show (I've never been to one where I've stayed the entire time) (Yep, Kevin and Esperanza in the same week!)
- Get a massage once a month for 6 months (Done)
- Do an art or pottery class (Nope :(
- Fruit picking (strawberries for Jocelyn) (Nope :(
- Midnight cruise on a Lake (The 3 hour cruise for our anniversary)
- Have another baby (Miss Jaelle Ayanna was born in December)
So, I've completed 60% of my bucket list-- I'm excited! On to bigger and better in this new decade!
Happy birthday to me!!
~Mrs. G
Monday, February 11, 2013
I Wish...
Death sucks. Yes. It. Does.
Within two months, Jeremy and I have lost my beloved Granny, my high school best friend Ashley and Jeremy's uncle, Mr. Nobody (the best nickname ever). As you grow older, you always here 'life is so short,' 'forgive and move on,' 'call such and such when you think about it-- you never know when the last time will be.'
I wish I would have called my Granny on that Saturday-- but I went to a sorority meeting and never got around to it. I got caught up with my own stuff... I never got to tell her I loved her one more time. Now, I try to remember our last conversation or replay her voice in my head.. My Granny meant/means so much to me-- calling my mother's house and not asking about her, still feels unreal. I have to catch myself from even mentioning her sometime, for a fear, that I'll make myself sad. My Granny.....
Ironically, on December 2, when I posted on fb that we needed prayer, Ashley commented on my post, asking if I was ok. I never responded or thanked her because I was grieving and preparing for Jaelle. I found out on Christmas from my brother, Curtis, that she passed. I immediately found a mutual friend and the news was confirmed. Ashley Jordon, 29, had died. Ashley and I threw our Sweet 16 birthday party together (we're 4 days apart) and spent all of our high school years together. We fought, argued, had slumber parties, wore each clothes (what I could fit), she braided my hair, went on college tours and graduated. Our last conversation was the 'no matter where you are, you'll always be my sister' speech. I wish I could tell her I love her and that she would know-- I truly care for her.
Mr. Nobody (aka Donnell Williams) was Jeremy's uncle. He was a Vet, worked hard for his family and served the Lord. Every since I've known him, he's been in a wheelchair from health complications. Most recently, his aching and failing body became tired and he actually passed on his birthday--January 18. He's famous for his nickname, Mr. Nobody because it's pretty cool but one important tidbit? He always gave Jeremy $2 bills!! I forgot they existed until I met Mr. Nobody. I wish when we saw him in August, that I would have told him that I appreciate the $2 bills because they're rare, special unique--- just like him.
Death sucks. But, what sucks more is wishing you could say something to someone who is still living. Say something-- call them-- hear their voice. Because once they take the last breath-- you wish you could remember how they said your name or laughed or prayed. Don't wait until tomorrow-- it really may be too late.
Still Wishing,
~Mrs. G
Within two months, Jeremy and I have lost my beloved Granny, my high school best friend Ashley and Jeremy's uncle, Mr. Nobody (the best nickname ever). As you grow older, you always here 'life is so short,' 'forgive and move on,' 'call such and such when you think about it-- you never know when the last time will be.'
Here I am on the other side of these phrases.
Ironically, on December 2, when I posted on fb that we needed prayer, Ashley commented on my post, asking if I was ok. I never responded or thanked her because I was grieving and preparing for Jaelle. I found out on Christmas from my brother, Curtis, that she passed. I immediately found a mutual friend and the news was confirmed. Ashley Jordon, 29, had died. Ashley and I threw our Sweet 16 birthday party together (we're 4 days apart) and spent all of our high school years together. We fought, argued, had slumber parties, wore each clothes (what I could fit), she braided my hair, went on college tours and graduated. Our last conversation was the 'no matter where you are, you'll always be my sister' speech. I wish I could tell her I love her and that she would know-- I truly care for her.
Mr. Nobody (aka Donnell Williams) was Jeremy's uncle. He was a Vet, worked hard for his family and served the Lord. Every since I've known him, he's been in a wheelchair from health complications. Most recently, his aching and failing body became tired and he actually passed on his birthday--January 18. He's famous for his nickname, Mr. Nobody because it's pretty cool but one important tidbit? He always gave Jeremy $2 bills!! I forgot they existed until I met Mr. Nobody. I wish when we saw him in August, that I would have told him that I appreciate the $2 bills because they're rare, special unique--- just like him.
Death sucks. But, what sucks more is wishing you could say something to someone who is still living. Say something-- call them-- hear their voice. Because once they take the last breath-- you wish you could remember how they said your name or laughed or prayed. Don't wait until tomorrow-- it really may be too late.
Still Wishing,
~Mrs. G
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Overwhelmed
4 weeks from today, Jeremy, Jocelyn and I will welcome Baby Jaelle (Jah-L)
into our home.
And I am completely overwhelmed! Not only because there are tons of things that need to be done-- that's called nesting-- but because I am the only child. My mother and Granny raised just me, with no sibling, no one to share my toys with. And here I am-- having to teach, not one, but two girls, how to be ladies, how to be wives, and sisters! Something I have no real concept of. I have to teach my girls how to share what for three years, have been Jocey's toys. I have to do twists (I still can't braid) on two heads-- I have to raise two little fashionistas-- I have to raise two Virtuous Women. And that. Is overwhelming!
I've sought prayer, advice and support from my friends with multiple children and they all say the same thing: 'You'll be fine. You're aware of it, so you're able to be more conscious of what not to do.'
And I know people who do it all the time. They raise children, work full-time, love their husbands.. they make it work. But at what cost? A wise co-worker told me, just last week.. at some point, you can't be the best at everything, everyday. One day, something at work will have to give (in this job... that ain't happenin') or the laundry will have to wait and that bathroom will have to wait one extra day to be cleaned. My mother scoffed when I told her that about the waiting to clean bathrooms. It all sounds good right? But in this society (and I'm learning this at my job), perfection and excellence is something that I'm supposed to strive for.
Having two children overwhelms me-- honoring and loving my husband and taking care of our home while working full-time, overwhelms me.
Pray for me friends-- that I'm able to still be Ashley, Jeremy's wife/co-laborer in Ministry, Jocelyn and Jaelle's mother, Hope's daughter, friend, detailed co-worker.. and that I can be happy and not anxious. (I hate this word!!)
Because at the moment-- I'm overwhelmed.
Seeing solace,
~Mrs. G
And I am completely overwhelmed! Not only because there are tons of things that need to be done-- that's called nesting-- but because I am the only child. My mother and Granny raised just me, with no sibling, no one to share my toys with. And here I am-- having to teach, not one, but two girls, how to be ladies, how to be wives, and sisters! Something I have no real concept of. I have to teach my girls how to share what for three years, have been Jocey's toys. I have to do twists (I still can't braid) on two heads-- I have to raise two little fashionistas-- I have to raise two Virtuous Women. And that. Is overwhelming!
I've sought prayer, advice and support from my friends with multiple children and they all say the same thing: 'You'll be fine. You're aware of it, so you're able to be more conscious of what not to do.'
Thanks, friends. But in reality, that's not always comforting.
I am still
overwhelmed. Lol!
And I know people who do it all the time. They raise children, work full-time, love their husbands.. they make it work. But at what cost? A wise co-worker told me, just last week.. at some point, you can't be the best at everything, everyday. One day, something at work will have to give (in this job... that ain't happenin') or the laundry will have to wait and that bathroom will have to wait one extra day to be cleaned. My mother scoffed when I told her that about the waiting to clean bathrooms. It all sounds good right? But in this society (and I'm learning this at my job), perfection and excellence is something that I'm supposed to strive for.
There are no shortcuts, no mistakes... no normalcy--
and that's
overwhelming.
Having two children overwhelms me-- honoring and loving my husband and taking care of our home while working full-time, overwhelms me.
Pray for me friends-- that I'm able to still be Ashley, Jeremy's wife/co-laborer in Ministry, Jocelyn and Jaelle's mother, Hope's daughter, friend, detailed co-worker.. and that I can be happy and not anxious. (I hate this word!!)
Because at the moment-- I'm overwhelmed.
Seeing solace,
~Mrs. G
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Words with Friends
Recently, I've become addicted to a phenomenon 'Words with Friends.' This game is similar to Scrabble but played on Androids or iPhone's where you invite your friends to play. My usual opponent is Jeremy (who beats me almost every time) along with some fellow Boilers, Sorors or my friends! I am addicted to Words with Friends. It's a good thinking game and allows you to brag on who's better at word play. Usually-- not me.
But today, as I was washing dishes, I realized that the title of this game has more power than just forming words on a board to see who has the best score. Words with Friends is a lifestyle that we should live. Not a game but to love our friends and speak words of love and encouragement into and over them.
Since I've been pregnant, I've heard the sentence 'Pregnancy agrees with you-- you look so good" almost daily. At first, I would get irritated and wonder, 'How are pregnant women supposed to look?' But what became most important are the words from my friends-- to encourage me to look my best, even when I'm exhausted or hungry, sad or just plain irritated (blame it on the hormones). Words should uplift and love not hurt; encourage not discourage. Proverbs 16:24 says "Kind words are like honey sweet to the soul and healthy for the body." Life and death are in the power of your tongue!
Wordswith to friends not only enhances those you're loving on--but makes you a person of loving speech.
Oh! And, receiving words from friends is not a bad thing either-- it encourages you to be the best you and to pass the love of encouragement on to the next friend.
Refreshed by my friends,
~Mrs. G
But today, as I was washing dishes, I realized that the title of this game has more power than just forming words on a board to see who has the best score. Words with Friends is a lifestyle that we should live. Not a game but to love our friends and speak words of love and encouragement into and over them.
Since I've been pregnant, I've heard the sentence 'Pregnancy agrees with you-- you look so good" almost daily. At first, I would get irritated and wonder, 'How are pregnant women supposed to look?' But what became most important are the words from my friends-- to encourage me to look my best, even when I'm exhausted or hungry, sad or just plain irritated (blame it on the hormones). Words should uplift and love not hurt; encourage not discourage. Proverbs 16:24 says "Kind words are like honey sweet to the soul and healthy for the body." Life and death are in the power of your tongue!
Words
Oh! And, receiving words from friends is not a bad thing either-- it encourages you to be the best you and to pass the love of encouragement on to the next friend.
Lord, forgive me for not loving my friends, with words. Teach me to have a heart of cheerfulness and to uplift my friends, more often than I do. Thank you that you speak words of love and reassurance, daily. In Your Name, Amen!
Refreshed by my friends,
~Mrs. G
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
For the Right Reason...
I am a jealous person. I will admit it. I get so frustrated when I think
about where Jeremy and I are as we are approaching 30 and then look at many of
our friends who are 30 and so much more established. The houses, new cars,
money to travel, new clothes, very low or no daycare bill-- I hate myself for
feeling this way. But, yes, I wake up at least once a week, green with envy
that many in our support system have so much.
But what makes me even more frustrated is that, I know better!! I know that what God will do for one, He'll do it for others. But why does it have to be such a slow process?
Then it dawned on me, over the past few weeks. I don't give, genuinely. I give with the expectation to receive something back-- like I'm loaning my tithes to God. Wow. That concept is so convicting! No-- my tithes are my reimbursement to Him for blessing me with my job (and it's the word!). My offering is my contribution to my church to help the church be blessing the community and to my Pastor.
My motives are so wrong! How can I expect God to provide for me but I give half-heartedly? Sometimes, my worship is half-hearted; sometimes my loving is half-hearted and yes, sometimes my faith is half-hearted. The bible gives many examples of how to live, generously and I have failed at some of these tasks.
Lord, forgive me for wanting to give to receive. Teach me to give generously and give of my time, tithes and talents..for the right reason. To please You and only You. Thank You that you are merciful and continue to show Yourself.
Examining my heart,
~Mrs. G
But what makes me even more frustrated is that, I know better!! I know that what God will do for one, He'll do it for others. But why does it have to be such a slow process?
Then it dawned on me, over the past few weeks. I don't give, genuinely. I give with the expectation to receive something back-- like I'm loaning my tithes to God. Wow. That concept is so convicting! No-- my tithes are my reimbursement to Him for blessing me with my job (and it's the word!). My offering is my contribution to my church to help the church be blessing the community and to my Pastor.
My motives are so wrong! How can I expect God to provide for me but I give half-heartedly? Sometimes, my worship is half-hearted; sometimes my loving is half-hearted and yes, sometimes my faith is half-hearted. The bible gives many examples of how to live, generously and I have failed at some of these tasks.
Lord, forgive me for wanting to give to receive. Teach me to give generously and give of my time, tithes and talents..for the right reason. To please You and only You. Thank You that you are merciful and continue to show Yourself.
Examining my heart,
~Mrs. G
Romans 12:7-9 (NLT)--If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly. Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.
Luke 6:37-39 (NLT)-Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.
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