Who Am I?

When I first started this blog in 2009, this was my platform to say whatever I wanted to say-- no matter what it cost. Over the past 4 years, I've learned, even blogs don't work like that. There are plenty of things I want to write about or say but there is the fear that I may offend someone. I titled the blog 'I Am Who I Am' because I thought I was someone who was ok saying what I wanted and thought 'I know who I am' (Imagine me rolling my neck as I say that).

But since the day my Granny died, I've really been questioning who I am because literally, nothing has been the same. I feel like I question everything these days. Am I a good wife? What did I do to be diagnosed with Myasthenia? Why did the disease attack my face? Am I a good mother? Do I pray hard enough? Have I spoken a good word into people? I've struggled with my faith, understanding God-- figuring out, Who Am I?

I spent three years in a Masters program, interning and loving on high school students and then realized-- I do not want to sit behind a computer and administer tests. I think I've figured out what I want to do as a career but do I really want to go back to school? Who Am I?

I work with a great group of people but is this my calling? Who Am I? Am I just Jeremy's wife and Jocelyn & Jaelle's mother? Who Am I?

Turning 30 was and is such a big deal to me-- because I feel like I should know who I am. And as someone who walks around each day, fighting to say a sentence without a Myasthenia flare-up I am struggling with understanding who am I?

I know longer want to just say (or type) anything-- I want to know who I am.

Searching,
~Mrs. G

Mya.. what??

When I had Jocey, I couldn't lift my hands over my head. I couldn't get plates from the cabinet or even wash my hair in the shower. When I would give Jocey to Jeremy, I had to cradle her.. anything over 5 lbs was too heavy for me.

When we got pregnant with Jaelle, I continued to work out so that I could lift my arms thinking they would be strong so I could lift Jaelle up and reach the top shelves of our cabinets.

Yeah-- that didn't matter. 

Right after my mom arrived in Durham, I began speaking as if I was congested, so we thought I had a sinus infection. But then-- my speech became slurred and I was having trouble swallowing food and drink. We saw a Physician Assistant, who prescribed an Antibiotic..that didn't work. We continued seeing Dr after Dr until my Soror, who is a Nurse Practitioner, examined me and told me that something neurological was wrong. We saw a neurologist and referred us to a team of Neuro-Musclar doctors who got it right. They diagnosed me with Myasthenia Gravis (MG)--  a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disorder that is characterized by fluctuating weakness of the voluntary muscle groups. A lot of medical jargon, right?

My nerves and muscles stop talking. They don't communicate.
My nerves and muscles sometimes are too tired to function.

My doctors have treated me temporally with PlasmaPheresis- a treatment where blood and cells are separated and replaced to boost my immune system. These treatments are 2.5 hours and can be draining. But, like I said, this is temporary. My doctors, Dr. Massey (love her!!) and Dr. Guidon suggested two courses of long-term care (steroids or a thymectomy). After speaking with a Thoracic Surgeon, Jeremy and I decided we will have the thymectomy which removes the thymus gland from my body. I could go on and explain all of this but the post would get too long-- so visit http://www.myasthenia.org/ to learn about the disease, the foundation, etc. The procedure will be done Tuesday, March 12 at Duke. Jeremy will update via text and fb.. in the meantime, pray for the doctors and their skilled hands, my stay at the hospital, Jeremy and our girls, who have been so amazing and patient during this process and for my mother-- who is feeling the burden of being away from her only child during this time.

Thank you for praying for me and our family during this season. While I feel pretty good most days, other days and conversations can be a little difficult. Keep us lifted folks-- we know God is a healer and can make me whole completely!

Stronger,
~Mrs, G

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today-- the Lord has blessed me to be on this earth for 30 great years! Like the song says, I've had some good days, I've had some bad days-- I won't complain!! :)

Last year, I wanted to create a list of things to do before this new decade. Well, I've updated the list below:

• Read 1 book a month (Nope-- I failed, lol)
• Go Para-sailing or zip lining (Baby got in the way of this :)
• Buy a pair of shoes each season (too much?) (Yes!! After Jaelle was born I embarked on two pairs of flats, a pair of boots and a pair of hawt pumps)
• Lose another 10-15 pounds (Yes-- I've met and exceeded my weight loss goal-- I'm so happy!!)
• Go to a concert or comedy show (I've never been to one where I've stayed the entire time) (Yep, Kevin and Esperanza in the same week!)
• Get a massage once a month for 6 months (Done)
• Do an art or pottery class (Nope :(
• Fruit picking (strawberries for Jocelyn) (Nope :(
• Midnight cruise on a Lake (The 3 hour cruise for our anniversary)
• Have another baby (Miss Jaelle Ayanna was born in December)

So, I've completed 60% of my bucket list-- I'm excited! On to bigger and better in this new decade!

Happy birthday to me!!

~Mrs. G

I Wish...

Death sucks. Yes. It. Does.

Within two months, Jeremy and I have lost my beloved Granny, my high school best friend Ashley and Jeremy's uncle, Mr. Nobody (the best nickname ever). As you grow older, you always here 'life is so short,' 'forgive and move on,' 'call such and such when you think about it-- you never know when the last time will be.'

Here I am on the other side of these phrases. 

I wish I would have called my Granny on that Saturday-- but I went to a sorority meeting and never got around to it. I got caught up with my own stuff... I never got to tell her I loved her one more time. Now, I try to remember our last conversation or replay her voice in my head.. My Granny meant/means so much to me-- calling my mother's house and not asking about her, still feels unreal. I have to catch myself from even mentioning her sometime, for a fear, that I'll make myself sad. My Granny.....

Ironically, on December 2, when I posted on fb that we needed prayer, Ashley commented on my post, asking if I was ok. I never responded or thanked her because I was grieving and preparing for Jaelle. I found  out on Christmas from my brother, Curtis, that she passed. I immediately found a mutual friend and the news was confirmed. Ashley Jordon, 29, had died. Ashley and I threw our Sweet 16 birthday party together (we're 4 days apart) and spent all of our high school years together. We fought, argued, had slumber parties, wore each clothes (what I could fit), she braided my hair, went on college tours and graduated. Our last conversation was the 'no matter where you are, you'll always be my sister' speech. I wish I could tell her I love her and that she would know-- I truly care for her.

Mr. Nobody (aka Donnell Williams) was Jeremy's uncle. He was a Vet, worked hard for his family and served the Lord. Every since I've known him, he's been in a wheelchair from health complications. Most recently, his aching and failing body became tired and he actually passed on his birthday--January 18. He's famous for his nickname, Mr. Nobody because it's pretty cool but one important tidbit? He always gave Jeremy $2 bills!! I forgot they existed until I met Mr. Nobody. I wish when we saw him in August, that I would have told him that I appreciate the $2 bills because they're rare, special unique--- just like him.

Death sucks. But, what sucks more is wishing you could say something to someone who is still living. Say something-- call them-- hear their voice. Because once they take the last breath-- you wish you could remember how they said your name or laughed or prayed. Don't wait until tomorrow-- it really may be too late.

Still Wishing,
~Mrs. G